Failing to annoy Zelman Clock
by Arizo
Summary: Foolish people have tried to annoy Zelman Clock. It doesn't work so well.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Blood Brothers.

**Based on ****chiyuki yamaguchi13 fanfic "Multiple ways to piss Zelman Clock," not that those ways work exactly, as you will see. **

**Way number one: Steal his pack of cigarettes.**

Zelman Clock swaggered down the street, pausing every now and again to look more closely at items in shop windows. Around him people bustled up and down the street. While a few were irritated that he was smoking, all were ignorant of the fact that the peculiarly dressed red-haired young man was actually an eight-hundred year old black blood. Zelman was as aware of their presence as humans surrounding him were aware of ants. He was also slightly preoccupied, wondering whether or not there would be anything good on TV when he returned to his lair. It was for these reasons that Zelman did not light the young girl who bumped into on fire. She also apologized profusely, which amused him. Plus something in a windowsill caught his eye and he walked away from the girl –without saying a word- to examine it.

The something was a snow-globe, with a young fair-haired boy hugging a teddy-bear in it. There was a tug at the twisted, black thing in his chest, shaking his head and rolling his eyes at how that boy affected him, Zelman entered the shop. There a sales associate with hair that would suggest she was a librarian not a sales associate told him he was not allowed to smoke in the shop. Zelman ignored her, and retrieved the snow-globe from the window display.

"How much?"

"I'm not selling that to you until you put out that cigarette young man."

In all honesty the sales associate should be happy he was willing to pay for the thing in the first place. Still, Kotaro would be upset if he found out Zelman stole his Christmas present –and killed the sales associate- Therefore, he dropped his cigarette on the floor and ground it out with the hill of his boot. The sales associate glared at him, but did not press the matter.

"That is a hand-made…"

"How much?"

"Seven hundred dollars," the sales associate replied, in a voice that stated she thought he could not afford it.

Zelman handed her his credit card. "I'll take it."

The sales associate gazed at him suspiciously. Her eyes dropped to the name on the card and the color drained from her face. Zelman suppressed a laugh.

"Would you like your purchase wrapped Clock-sama?"

"Yes," said Zelman, coldly.

"Please follow me, my lord." She led him to the back of the shop, quietly murmuring several times "Please don't kill me." Zelman suppressed another laugh.

Several minutes later Zelman was outside with Kotaro's present, and on the phone.

"I will be back in twenty minutes Sayuka. Order a pizza."

He hung up on her as the girl was agreeing to obey his command. While in all honesty running back to his mansion would have been faster Zelman drove a motorcycle, which was parked several blocks away. The walk was spent balancing Kotaro's present on one hand, and examining a pair of earrings he had stolen from the shop, just because he could. Once on the motorcycle, reaching his estate did not take long due to Zelman's slightly unorthodox driving habits. In fact he beat the pizza delivery man up the drive-way.

The Master of the Coven was met his new self-proclaimed right hand man whose name Zelman could not be bothered to remember. He could however, be bothered to dump his jacket, helmet, and keys on the black blood. Kotaro's present he tossed to one of the maids who just managed to catch it.

"Put that somewhere safe," Zelman ordered. "And put my motorcycle in the garage, whatever you name is."

"Jaime Benson, Sir."

"Yeah, that's what I said," said Zelman, before dashing up the stairs where he met Sayuka. "Pizza," said Zelman, crossing his arms.

At that exact moment the doorbell rang.

"It is at the door Zelman-sama," said Sayuka.

"It should be in my room already," said Zelman, coldly, walking past her, and down the hall. He could hear Sayuka taking the stairs two at the time in her haste to get to the door, and smirked.

Zelman's chambers were on the second floor, in the very second of the mansion. He grabbed a can of cola from the fridge and turned on the TV to find out there was a movie about Santa Clause playing that evening. It could be worse. Zelman stretched lazily and reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, only to find the pocket empty. Frowning slightly, Zelman checked his other pocket, and the pocket of his jeans. No pack of cigarettes. Strange. Had he put them in the pocket of his jacket? No, they were too small… It was then he remembered the girl who had collided with him earlier.

She had been a pick-pocket. It was plausible. Although of all the things to steal, she took his pack of cigarettes, not his wallet. What a strange human. Zelman shrugged, almost impressed that she had the guts to steal from him, and that she got away with it. Then the Santa in the Santa Clause movie fell off the roof, which Zelman found funny, followed by a knock on his door.

"Enter."

Sayuka entered, and placed his pizza on the table. "I am very sorry about the delay Zelman-sama."

Zelman waved a hand at her dismissively, and muted the TV. "Never call that place again."

"Of course Zelman-sama," said Sayuka bowing. "Do you have any other orders for me?"

Zelman gestured to the pizza. "Get a cola, and join me. Really Sayuka, you do I have to spell everything out for you? I cannot eat all of this myself."

Sayuka did as she was told. Zelman handed her the pair of earrings he had stolen.

"These match your eyes better than the one's your wearing," said Zelman, retrieving another pack of cigarettes from a drawer in his coffee table.

**Meh, I don't know. Zelman seems a little OOC. ** **I also do not own The Santa Clause. The one with Tim Allen, and that really cute head elf Bernard; I do not own. Also I am unfamiliar with the Japanese money system therefore, I used the American one.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own a laptop, I own a wide assortment of pens, and I own an iPod, and a cell phone; I own many things, however, Black Blood Brothers is not one of them.

**Way # Two: Drink all of his soda and then blame it on Jirou.**

Outside it was absolutely miserable. Freezing rain came down in torrents, soaking the special-zone; harsh winds whipped around, causing those unfortunate enough to be outside to stumble about haphazardly. People happily stayed inside, watching TV, reading and drinking warm comforting beverages.

Meanwhile, underground in a specially designed room built by a construction company owned by Cain Warlock and financed by Zelman Clock. It had taken seven years to complete, cost two billion dollars, and was exactly sixteen square miles. The room in question was a beach; a beach with specially designed lights to give one the same UV rays as the sun, but not harm the black-bloods whose bloodline was affected by sunlight. Basically they were gigantic tanning light. It was open to both red and black bloods, and owned by the master of the darkness himself Zelman Clock, who on this particularly horrid Saturday the scarlet-eyed murderer had accompanied several other members of his coven to his beach.

Of notable mention there was Zelman's new self-proclaimed right hand man, whose name might started with a 'J'; the black blood was talking to one of the maids. Then on the blanket beside him, lying on her stomach reading a book was Sayuka. Zelman's personal assistant/one who ran the coven because Zelman cannot be bothered to do anything was decked out in a black bikini, wearing sunglasses and tight shorts that…

"Zelman-san!"

The cry stopped Zelman from continuing to examine Sayuka's clothing choice and instead look up. Kotaro was running across the sand toward him, waving wildly. Zelman waved back, looking past Kotaro in search of the boys usual companions; the compromiser following after Kotaro accompanied by a woman, whose black hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. The silver-blade was further back, arguing with Cain.

"Yo," said Zelman, as Kotaro flopped down on the blanket beside him.

"Isn't the beach pretty," said Kotaro. "And this one is super nice because Aniki can come too. Zelman-san, does sunlight bother you?"

"It gives me a headache," said Zelman, shrugging. "That is all."

"Aniki starts smoking, and he gets really sleepy. What about water? Water hurts Aniki. Whenever he does something bad Mimi-chan pours water on him."

Zelman laughed, shaking his head, "That girl is bizarre."

"Mimi-chan is super nice," said Kotaro, happily, rocking back and forth on his heels. "I wonder if Mimi-chan will go swimming with me."

Kotaro got up and ran over to the compromiser. Zelman's attention was directed back Sayuka, who was still absorbed in her book. "Sayuka," Zelman whispered the girls name in her hear, and was awarded the delight of her face turning a deep-red color. "Go get me ice-cream."

"Y-Yes Sir," Sayuka whimpered, getting up, walking ten paces away, realizing she did have, and returning to retrieve the papers from her wallet. "Forget something, Sayuka?" Zelman asked.

"Money," was one word reply.

Zelman handed her the bills, smiling at Sayuka's look of barely controlled fury at herself.

"Thank you Zelman-sama."

Sayuka turned and headed for the ice-cream stand once more. Zelman settled down on the blanket, his eyes resting on Sayuka's curvy figure, and perfectly formed rear encased in tight blue jean shorts. Then bizarre yet strangely familiar girl who ran up to him, interrupting Zelman's ass watching; upon closer inspection Zelman recognized she was the girl who stole his pack of cigarettes, three days ago.

The girl was a little plump with dirty-blonde hair, intense dark eyes that gave her a slightly deranged look, laughing uncontrollably. Before he could say a word -or light her on fire- the deranged looking girl turned and ran. Zelman shook his head, and rolled onto his back feeling bored.

He was still bored when Sayuka returned with his ice-cream –soft twist- which she handed to him, and one of her own. "I will pay you back," said Sayuka, licking her treat and going back to her book.

Zelman looked around the beach, still feeling bored only now he was bored with ice-cream, which was better. The silver-blade had been approached by members of the coven. Sei and Kotaro were building a sand-castle, and Cain was standing by glaring at anyone who got within ten of the Lord Dragon and the Lord Sage. The compromiser and the black-haired woman were swimming. Zelman rose to his feet, stretched, and ran over to Jirou and the coven members; his arrival causing several of them to fall over.

"Zelman-sama," said Zelman's self-proclaimed right hand man, in a very formal and polite voice. "We were just asking the Silver-Blade if he would like to join us in a game of football. Would you also like to play?"

Zelman grinned, and draped an arm over Jirou's shoulder, causing the younger black-blood to stiffen slightly, and give Zelman a perplexed look. It also forced him to bend over slightly. "We would; the two of us against you."

Zelman's terms were accepted, probably because everyone was too scared to disagree. The game lasted thirty minutes, during which time Zelman and Jirou dominated, conquered, and beat the opposing team so badly that the finale score could not be revealed due to its nature to cause the losing team to fall over dead from embarrassment. Feeling particularly arrogant –nothing like pummeling one's minions into the ground during a friendly game of football to induce pride- Zelman looked around the beach.

Sayuka was walking down the beach, collecting shells. Mimiko and the black-haired woman were building a sand-castle. Sei and Kotaro were running along the dock, followed by a harried looking Cain, who was having a panic-attack every time Sei got too close to the water. Two human women, standing a little ways away, murmured about Cain's actions.

"So sweet, to see such a caring father."

"Poor man, I believe the black-haired boy is blind."

Zelman leapt back over to his blanket, and upon arrival found his cooler on its side, with empty soda cans all over the blanket and leading to the bizarre girl who'd stolen his pack of cigarettes and hand now possibly drank all of his cola… and was now throwing up; nasty side-effect of drinking twenty liters of soda in a short amount of time.

"You drank all of Zelman-san's soda cola," said Kotaro. Zelman glanced behind him, and found Kotaro, Sei and Cain standing behind and in Kotaro's case beside him. "That wasn't very nice."

"No I didn't," said the bizarre girl. "Jirou did."

"What? Aniki..." Kotaro whipped around to glare at Jirou, who was glaring at the bizarre girl. "That wasn't nice."

Cain slapped himself in the forehead. Zelman laughed at the boy's naivety. Sei patted Kotaro's shoulder, "She is not telling the…"

Before Sei could finish Jirou tackled the bizarre girl –who luckily for Jirou was no longer vomiting- to the ground.

"Leave me out of this."

The girl ran for it, Jirou chasing after her demanding she tell everyone the truth. Zelman glanced around him; Sayuka had also returned and was picking up the empty cola cans, Sei was helping her. Kotaro was examining the shells Sayuka had found with rapt interest.

"I'll get you another cola," said Sayuka, as she placed what was left of the cola cans into the cooler which had been placed upright. Sayuka walked away; Se sat down beside Kotaro.

"Cain-kun," said Zelman, gesturing to the half0way digested hot dog, mixed with twenty liters of cola. "Clean that up."

On that note, Zelman turned and followed after Sayuka toward the concession stand.

**The "football" Zelman and Jirou played is actually soccer. Yeah, in Japan -and a few other countries- soccer is called football. It makes sense, I think. So yeah, I need a favor. Mhmm. Click on that little button and give me a few seconds of your time in which to tell me what you thought of this story. This chapter. What's working? What's not working? **


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Blood Brothers.

**Enjoy, and have my apologies about the delay between updates.**

**Way # 3: C****ut his cigarette butts to pieces, and make a mess with them.**

It had been a wonderful day; beating his minions to a pulp in football, good quality bonding time with Jirou and Kotaro, telling Cain what to do. Yes, Zelman had no regrets about this day. True, some bizarre girl had drunk all his cola but he had gotten it re-stocked in a matter of minutes. He'd have to remember to thank Sayuka for that in some vague way.

No, Zelman decided a moment later. That would be too much work.

Vampires did sleep; their particular bloodline and age dictated how much they had to sleep. Being over eight hundred, and carrier of one of the most powerful bloodlines, Zelman needed to sleep rarely. He still did, occasionally in unorthodox places, as it was a good way to pass time.

While sleeping in cupboards, on roofs, and atop bridges was all well and good, Zelman did have a bed; a large, magnificent four-poster, in an equally majestic room. The maids were always very careful to keep it clean. So Zelman was understandably confused to enter the master bedroom of his mansion to find it filthy.

It was completely covered in one substance, cut up cigarette butts. More precisely, all of his cigarette butts from apparently the last two years. What kind of deranged person kept one's cigarette butts for that long? Sayuka, Zelman thought. Sayuka would do that. She wouldn't smear his room with them though.

The culprit for that was the same girl who had drank all his cola, earlier that afternoon. Perhaps he should ban her from the house. No, she was kind of funny. Plus he admired her guts. The young woman stood in the center of the room, giggling uncontrollably to herself, and hugging herself.

"You are cleaning this up," Zelman told her.

Without waiting for a reply, Zelman turned on his heel and left, closing the door behind him. True, he could not sleep on his comfortable bed, but Sayuka's couch would do. And she'd make funny sounds when she entered her living room the next morning to find him there.

**I hope you liked it, and I would very much appreciate your opinion. **


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Blood Brothers.

**Way # Four: ****Tell him that Jirou loves him.**

During the night, the temperature dropped into the single-digits, and the freezing rain that soaked the special zone turned to snow. By morning the special-zone was snug in a thick, white blanket.

Along with the thick, white blanket came several problems; people had difficulty leaving home, or just driving anywhere, a blackout, lots of cold people, and a group of renegade vampires infiltrated the special-zone. However, the snow-storm was only partially to blame for the last one. The black-out gave a young man, with nasty debts, the perfect opportunity to invite the black-bloods into the special-zone, and get them tucked safely away in a warehouse, without anyone being seen.

Unfortunately, the warehouse was already home to a group of homeless men and women. One of whom was a company operative, and alerted the company that there were illegal black-bloods in the special-zone.

The company called Mimiko, and Jirou. And all of this led to Zelman getting a call at six o'clock in the morning, from Mimiko, asking him if he would please babysit Kotaro for the day.

Zelman had already been awake; sleeping on Sayuka's couch equaled getting up when she got up and Sayuka the crack of dawn. Sayuka's strangled gasp and her dropping her coffee mug had made it all worth it though. That and watching her try –and fail- to discreetly return to her bedroom to hide the picture she had of him there.

Zelman agreed to Mimiko's request and biked over to her apartment. Any snow within ten feet of him melted.

Kotaro was still asleep. Once Jirou and Mimiko had left, and making sure the window shades were securely shut, Zelman plopped down on Mimiko's couch and followed Kotaro's example. And it was Kotaro who woke him several hours later.

"Zelman-san," Kotaro said. "Zelman-san, wake-up."

Zelman opened one eye. Kotaro leaned over him, looking anxious. "Where's Aniki and Mimi-chan, Zelman-san?"

Zelman sat up, and pushed his hair from his face. "Dealing with renegade vampires, I am watching you until they get back tonight."

Kotaro brightened up immediately, "So we're going to spend the day together."

"Yes," said Zelman, getting up. "Fetch your coat, and we'll find you some breakfast."

"Yes, Zelman-san," said Kotaro. "Thank you Zelman-san."

As everything was closed, thanks to the snow-storm, Zelman took Kotaro back to his mansion, where one of the maids prepared the boy breakfast.

Jaime Benson, Zelman's right-hand man called him, to tell him about property damages the storm had caused. While Zelman pretended to listen to Benson, the maid watched Kotaro while he ran about the front yard, making snowmen, building snowmen, and having a snow fight with the maid.

Zelman rejoined Kotaro for lunch, just as the maid set a bowl of ramen in front of the Lord Sage. For the first time, Zelman really got a good look at her. She was the deranged young woman who had stolen from him, drunk all his cola, and smeared cut-up cigarette butts all over his room.

"You work here?" Zelman asked.

The maid nodded, smiling happily.

This was the problem with running a group of criminally insane individuals. One got really lax about doing psych-checks. Still you'd think the eyes would be a give-away. They just screamed "Hi, I just escaped from a mental hospital."

But then, perhaps this could be a good thing. Cain was likely to have an aneurysm when he found out Zelman had been watching Kotaro for the day. If Zelman also let slip he'd let an escaped lunatic watch and prepare food for the Lord Sage, the black-blood would likely have a stroke right then and there. Not that it would kill him, but it would be funny to watch Cain fall over.

"My name's Mel," said the maid, waving. "How can I serve you Zelman-sama?"

"Rice balls," said Zelman. Just because the girl was crazy didn't mean she couldn't cook. Kotaro was thoroughly enjoying the ramen Mel had made him.

"Coming up," said Mel.

"What do you want to do after lunch?" Zelman asked Kotaro, lazily.

"Mimi-chan was going to take me to see a movie," said Kotaro. "Can we do that?"

Zelman shrugged, and put a cigarette in his mouth. "Maybe. What movie?"

"I don't know," said Kotaro. "But Mimi-chan said it was about a guy that was an alien, who could fly."

"As if aliens exist," said Zelman, lighting his cigarette.

The kitchen door opened, and Sayuka walked in. "Zelman-sama…"

"Here for lunch Sayuka-chan?" Zelman asked, playfully. "Mel is making rice-balls."

"I have already eaten," said Sayuka.

"Yes, I can see that," said Zelman, looking her up and down, "Maybe a bit too much."

"The Silver Blade and Katsuragai-san are here to pick up Mochizuki-sama," said Sayuka, her tone a tad cool.

"Yay," said Kotaro. "Sayuka-san, call me to Kotaro."

"Eh, show them in," said Zelman.

Sayuka left and came back with Jirou and Mimiko not a minute later. Kotaro hopped up and bolted across the kitchen, to hug Jirou, then Mimiko, and then Jirou again. All while telling them his day's events.

"You're back early," Zelman noted, over Kotaro's storytelling.

"Yes, they were very cooperative," said Mimiko.

Zelman shrugged, and idly ground out his cigarette against an ash-tray. "We were planning on seeing a movie later."

"Ah, we can all go together Zelman-san," said Kotaro.

"You should eat something Katsuragi-san," said Sayuka. "You'll recover faster."

Mimiko clamped a hand to her neck, and went red. "How do you know?"

"Mel-san, after you've prepared Zelman-sama's rice-balls, make teriyaki beef, vegetables and rice for Katsuragi-san," Sayuka ordered.

"Yes, Ma'am," Mel called.

"You should get that bandaged better, and lie down until your food is ready," said Sayuka. "Follow me please, Katsuragi-san."

"Thank you," said Mimiko.

The women left the kitchen, and Jirou took a seat beside Kotaro. "Thank you for watching my brother."

Zelman shrugged, "We had fun."

"Yes," said Kotaro. "Aniki, have some ramen."

"Here you are, Zelman-sama," said Mel, putting a plate of rice-balls in front of Zelman. "By the way, Jirou is in love with you."

"Really Aniki?" Kotaro questioned.

Mel spun around and walked back to the counter, without another word. Zelman leaned his head on his hand, took a deliberately slow bite of rice-ball, chewed and swallowed. Then he spoke. "Does she speak the truth Silver Blade?"

"No," said Jirou, coldly. Briefly, he shot Mel a cold look. She was too busy bouncing up and down on her heels and giggling hysterically to be intimidated.

"Shame," said Zelman, grinning fiendishly. "We'd make quite a pair."

"My tastes are not for men," said Jirou.

"Eh, give it a few more centuries," said Zelman, lazily. "You stop caring."

Over by the counter, Mel traded in her hysterical giggling in for a dumb-founded expression.

"Don't you have teriyaki chicken you need to be making?" Zelman asked her.

"Forget it," said Mel, taking off her apron, chucking it in the corner and stalking out of the kitchen.

Kotaro leaned over to Jirou and whispered, "She's kind of strange, Aniki."

"Yes," Jirou agreed. He stood up. "Thank you for your hospitality, Zelman Clock. We appreciate the offer for food, but we can get Mimiko sustenance on the way to the theatre."

"Oh, so we're still going to see the movie about flying aliens?" Kotaro asked.

"Of course," said Jirou.

"Can Zelman-san come too?" Kotaro asked.

"If he likes," said Jirou.

"Will you come Zelman-san?" Kotaro asked.

"Can Sayuka come too?" Zelman asked.

"Sure," said Kotaro.

Zelman shrugged, "Sounds like fun. I'll have Benson drive us."

**Well, that's done. I hope you enjoyed, and would love to know what you thought. Thank you for reading.**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Blood Brothers.

**Way # 5: Tell him he's ugly.**

**You know I realize I've forgotten to thank you people for the reviews. *bows* Thank you, each one of them makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you.**

"You're ugly."

Zelman looked up at his certifiably insane maid. Not that Mel was diagnosed or anything, at least to his knowledge; Zelman just knew. It takes one to know after all. And Zelman knew that he and Mel shared one thing in common. That thing being misplaced sanity.

"That's your opinion," said Zelman, and returned to pornographic comic book.

Mel screamed, and threw a lamp against a wall.

"You're paying for that," said Zelman, not even bothering to look up from his book.

"What will it take?" Mel asked.

Zelman did not acknowledge her. While the brewing temper tantrum was no way to behave, it would not do to reward Mel's behavior with attention. Although her frenzied muttering, and wall-kicking were interrupting his reading. This was what he got for listening to Sayuka and spending time out of his dark room of darkness.

"I've stolen your cigarettes, drunk your cola, destroyed your room, and insinuated a man wanted to enter a same-sex relationship with you, and called you ugly," said Mel, hysterically. "And nothing works."

Having given up on reading Zelman fixed his gaze on Mel, debating throwing her through a window –perhaps spending time in the library did have its advantages- or just burning her to ash. Option two would make a mess, but option one was more costly.

"What will it take to annoy you?"

Zelman blinked, "What?"

"I'm trying to annoy you, what will annoy you?" Mel asked.

Zelman blinked again, it had been awhile since anything had surprised him. For that he would allow Mel to continue drawing breath. And his theory that she was insane was now all but cemented in fact. He could tell Sayuka to cancel that trip to the psychiatrist. Only a complete and total nutjob would set out to purposely seek his ire. What was wrong with today's youth? Personally, Zelman blamed the young adult novels.

"You can't annoy me," said Zelman. "I have lived for over eight hundred years. It's made me remarkably laid back."

To further demonstrate this, Zelman sank back in his chair, allowing gravity to do its duty completely, and stretched luxuriously. Though as he relaxed, a thought occurred to Zelman and he realized that his statement was not completely accurate. Rude people irritated him.

Though now that Zelman thought about it, Mel's previous antics had not been polite; three of the five were outright criminal in fact. However, they were so bizarre they amused Zelman. Mel amused Zelman. So he elected not to tell her how to annoy him.

Otherwise she'd amp her discourteous behavior. And he would lose patience and kill her. Zelman could not have that. Killing his new source of entertainment would not do. Plus it was so very hard to find good help these days, and the less dead bodies he had to bury the better. Even Zelman Clock could only kill so many a week before the company came sniffing around.

"Go away," Zelman told her coldly, and to further demonstrate his wish for her to leave, Zelman used his eye-ignite to set the air in front of Mel ablaze, and causing her to jump back, with a startled yelp.

"I don't accept that Clock-sama," said Mel. "I will annoy you, if it's the last thing I do."

Mel ran off before Zelman could tell her that if she succeeded, it would be it would the last thing she did.

**Thank you for reading. I feel that Zelman's a tad or so OOC. It's the way he's talking. If you guys have any ideas on how to improve it, let me know.**

**Warnings, while this is not going to become a Zelman/OC fic, I will be moving the rating up to M for safety as of next chapter. Also, next chapter we will be diving into the place that is Mel's mind. And by that I mean it'll be from her point of view. That'll be fun. **


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Blood Brothers.

**Way # Six: Tell him he has a tiny wiener.**

**Warnings: There is some non-graphic sex.**

**Thank you for your reviews. I've been saying "enjoy" too much. And I'm going to keep saying it because all the synonyms Microsoft is providing me with sound incredibly pretentious. Enjoy!**

Mel walked down the hall towards Zelman's inner sanctuary rubbing her hands together in glee and anticipation. This way would work. It would. It was perfect. Zelman was a vampire, but he was, more importantly, a man, and this was the sure fire way to annoy all men. It was so ingenious that Mel had to fight the urge to laugh maniacally, much like the villains do in the movies. She refrained though. Mel wasn't a villain, after all, just misunderstood, and laughing would give away her position.

Having reached the double doors, Mel raised one hand to knock, her other hand pressed tight against her mouth to suppress giggles.

"Mel-san."

Mel jumped a foot in the air, and while above the ground did a 180 degree turn. Sayuka stood at the end of the hall. Fuck it, where did she come from? Perhaps from one of the hundreds of doors this hall had. In all seriousness, Mel wondered what the point of all these rooms was. While Mel was pondering this, Sayuka approached her.

"Zelman-sama's private sanctuary is off-limits to the staff," said Sayuka, "As I have told you three times before."

"Ah, yes, well… um…" said Mel. She had never been good at coming up with excuses. Shifting anxiously from foot to foot and turning a deep shade of magenta did not help her look less guilty. "Um…"

"Zelman-sama told me about your unorthodox vendetta," said Sayuka, taking her gently by the shoulder, and beginning to lead her away. "I'm afraid I can't let you go in there."

"But," Mel said nervously, glancing over at the door that stood between her and Zelman. She had finally found the perfect way to annoy him, only to be stopped not ten feet from her goal.

"It's for your own good," Sayuka said gently.

Mel slumped, and gazed at Sayuka, utterly dejected. No one understood. This was important; a matter of life and death. The entire world would explode, and their galaxy and their entire universe… all of it would be gone. True, Mel didn't know exactly how that would work. It just would. Mel had decided long ago that her brain made no sense, so she'd stopped trying to decipher it and did what she wanted- needed- to do. Right now, she needed to annoy Zelman Clock.

"Clock-sama doesn't seem to mind," Mel muttered, sadly.

"Zelman-sama just doesn't care," said Sayuka. "Even if he is fond of you…"

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Mel. What did it matter if Zelman Clock liked her? Mel wasn't here for him to like her. She was here to annoy him. And she would succeed. Mel smiled dreamily, off into space, the image of her standing victorious before Zelman Clock's annoyed self, shining clearly before her eyes.

"Well, it's the reason you aren't dead," said Sayuka, interrupting Mel from her vision. Sheesh, first she stopped her from achieving her goal, and now she wouldn't even let her daydream about. Mel slumped even more, and her horrible posture became even more pronounced.

"It's also the reason you haven't been fired," Sayuka continued. "Benson-san suggested that. I wanted to check you into Ryu General Hospital's psych ward."

Why was it that everywhere she went, everyone wanted to check her into psych-wards? All she did was light things on fire, try to swim across oceans, steal things, and perform death defying stunts. Mel had never hurt anyone. Well, there was that one guy but Mel didn't count him.

"If you've completed your chores, I'm sure Akari-san can find work for you to do in the kitchen," Sayuka added, as they reached the end of the hall. "If you'll excuse me, I have to report to Zelman-sama."

With a parting nod to Mel, Sayuka turned around to trek back down the hall. It then occurred to Mel that as Sayuka was wearing heels, and as Mel wasn't, she could easily over-take her.

So she did.

With a great burst of speed, Mel bolted down the hall past Sayuka, who yelled, and to the double-doors. She didn't have time to knock, so she pushed them open and screamed: "Your dick is tiny."

The room was empty.

Mel's mouth fell open, and she sank to her knees, tears filling her eyes. "But… but… but…"

Sayuka caught up to her, "Oh thank goodness. He's not here…"

"But you were coming to report to him, Shiramine-sama," said Mel, looking up at her as tears rolled down her face.

"Zelman-sama leaves without telling us all the time," said Sayuka. "Now come along…"

"What's going on here?"

Mel's heart leapt, she knew that voice. "Clock-sama," she breathed, leaping up.

"Oh it's you," said Zelman, walking past her. "Sayuka order me some Thai food."

"Right away, Zelman-sama," said Sayuka, nodding obediently.

"Your dick is tiny," said Mel, dreamily.

Zelman paused, and turned back to her, "Come again."

"Your dick is tiny," said Mel, happily.

"Shows how little you know," said Zelman, "Sayuka about my Thai food…"

Sayuka, who had been looking at Mel in utter horror, snapped out of it. "Of course, Sir… Remember, you said it yourself, she's certifiably insane. She doesn't know what she's saying."

"No, I do," Mel protested.

"Shut up," said Sayuka, through her teeth.

"I know," said Zelman, shrugging. He patted Mel on the head, condescendingly. "You're going to have to try harder."

Mel stared at him in disbelief. That hadn't worked… How had that not worked? Well, she was just going to have to kick things up a notch. "Your dick is tiny, and you're horrible in bed."

Sayuka sighed deeply, walking away, "I'll go come up with a cover story for her death."

"Don't forget my Thai food," Zelman called after her.

"Are you annoyed?" Mel asked, hopefully.

"No," said Zelman, coolly. "I'm not sure where you came up with the idea that I'm bad in bed, but I feel the need to set you straight."

"You mean have sex?" Mel asked.

"Correct," said Zelman, stroking her cheek.

"Okay, that sounds fun," said Mel.

Zelman didn't kiss her. He did pick her up, and do her against the wall; such a standard place for sex. Not that Mel minded, in the least. In fact she barely had time to compare the scene to one of her anime's, of course in the anime's Mel watched Zelman would be a girl or Mel would be a boy, before she started thinking either: "Wow…" or "Oh my" or "That feels wonderful" or "He tastes good. Is that strawberry body wash?" and "Holy fuck, he not small."

Mel also screamed her thoughts aloud, or some variation of them. When their tryst was completed, and Mel's oxytocin infused brain cleared somewhat, she found herself on the couch; despite having no recollection of getting there.

Zelman stood behind the couch, leaning over the back, smiling smugly. "Now, what were you saying?"

"Your God's gift to women," said Mel.

"That's what I thought," said Zelman, smugly.

"And men," Mel added.

"That too," said Zelman.

**Thank you for reading.**


End file.
